To Live Until
by Ariana3
Summary: Lorne got a peek of Angel's future while he sang to Connor in "Dad." Now he wishes he hadn't.


Title: To Live Until…

Author: Ariana a.k.a. Ari 

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon created the characters of BTVS and Angel (didn't he do a great job? But wait isn't he also responsible for the recent "changes" of our favorite characters? Hmm) Joss and Fox own 'em. *sigh*Not me.

Summary: Lorne got a peek of Angel's future while he sang to Connor in '_Dad'_. Now he wishes he hadn't. 

Spoilers: To Shanshu in LA, Lullaby, Dad. Let's just say the whole Angel canon to be safe, but nothing after "Dad"

Authors Note: This story mentions B/A, but it's not the point. I'm pretty sure anti-B/Aer's can stand it. 

Feedback: ariefic@hotmail.com or read and review.

This is my first posted fanfic- any type of feedback is begged for. Encourage me. If I like it-- I'll give you chocolate *bats eyelashes* (not real chocolate, of course, metaphorical chocolate. You don't like chocolate? 1) Why not? 2) I'll bribe you with water instead because, like it or not, we all need water) 

I realized it when he was singing to Connor, right after he finished making faces at the poor child. The only thing worse than Angel-cakes' singing is seeing the Great Brooding One making smoochie faces.

When people sing around me sometimes there are pieces of someone's soul or future that just slip through, even though I wasn't looking for them. With Angel, I get a lot of that pretty little blonde thing that just came back to life. Every once and a while, hidden behind images of picnics in the park and fighting side by side with the slayer, Buffy, was a word, an idea, a small burning candle of hope…_shanshu_. 

I read _so_ many people and/or things. I'm not nosy. Okay, well, I am, but generally I don't remember specific details about individuals. I remember things about Angel. Mostly I remember the fact that my beautiful club was wrecked to Tarkna because of him. Twice! No, Thrice! But I remember _shanshu_ because he's always Mister Doom-and-Gloom. When I saw something so blindingly bright inside him it stuck with me.

_Shanshu_: _to live until one dies—_until **He** dies, the Vampire with a Soul. 

Death is his gift. 

The hope that when he was finally forgiven he becomes human, can drive the convertible with the top down on a Sunday afternoon, and can be rid of the clawing of a demon at his soul. He'll live in a two story home with a chipped white paint picket fence (yes, chipped paint… nothing's perfect) with his favorite slayer. 

What he doesn't know is that his "_shanshu_," this underlying hope… already came and went. 

The other, not-so-sweet but equally attractive blonde thing in his life, Darla, was the very vamp with a soul in that prophecy that Angel-cakes doesn't even know he cherishes. She **was** dead, or undead-whatever, wasn't she? The child inside her, little Connor, (who I just know I will be godfather to considering my club's demise and all.) that child gave her a soul. So there we have that first half of the prophecy. 

I swear, sometimes those hero types can be well intentioned but full of themselves. Is Broody Boy the only vamp to ever have a soul? Right. Just like there's only one "One-Girl-in-all-the-world-with-the-strength-and-skill-to-fight-the-vampires." That's why he's in love with one and visits the other one in jail on weeknights when he knows they'll serve her " 'roni and cheese" (with the fake cheese, which he knows she hates) so he goes to distract her and talk about redemption. So what, right? Prophecies are tricky creatures. So Angel's not part of the exclusive Vamp-with-a-soul club—he could deal. 

__

The vampire with a soul will shanshu—live until they die. Darla had a soul-she "lived" and now she's dead. And there is your "_shanshu_." 

The only kind of reward of humanity Angel gets is his child. 

He will see his son grow old, his grandchildren grow old, along with his family, biological or otherwise. He'll see his friends wither and waste away. He'll see that little blonde Buffy- the only woman in gods who knows how many years it will be- that he ever loved, he'll watch her fight and live and try to love- and die. 

Ashes to ashes. 

Dust to dust.

Wasn't that what he wanted for himself? To be able to wither and die and decompose? To become ashes and dust because that would mean he was forgiven- and human. 

All he'll ever need is a stake through the heart and he'll become ashes and dust _much _quicker than any rotting human body would. 

Worst part is—won't the true meaning of 'shanshu' be a stake through the Big Guy's heart anyway? 

Being anagogic's a bitch—ain't it? 


End file.
